Kilcarr wrote:
Half of what CJack says are lies. The other half are also untrue but he believes it.
Which is everyone else more disturbed by?
Now don't you people listen to Billy. He's a ZG henchman, and the biggest liar of them all. He's fooled you all. He's fooled this entire nation, the world even! And worst of all he fooled his family and his fans.
I know they're going to have me killed so I'll just go ahead and reveal all I know, I will reveal Billy's Big Secret!
He's know thirty-something toy collector. Billy, is really "The King". His real name is ELVIS AARON PRESLEY.
Look I know this is hard for you guys to swallow. But you have to believe me. The King never died on the toilet. Come on, would the greatest entertainer of the 20th Century really go down like that. Hell No! But the story was sooo unlike him, that he figured it was the best back story for him to disapear from society. See Billy Elvis knew his career was in the crapper (hence the toilet imagery) and his marriage was a flop, he worked out a deal with Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon to start a new life and go undercover for the PLO - the Poultry Liberation Organization (not to be confused with the middle eastern PLO - the Philafel Lovers Organization). Everyone knows that The King knows fried chicken better than Colonel Sanders, and Tricky Dick needed someone who could work their way in the inside of the thriving Poultry Industry to confirm claims of poultry husbandry and poultry abuse. Tricky Dick was a total Free Range Chicken breeding fan, back then the caging of chickens like is so common today was simply revolting and unheard of. So Elvis, now calling himself "Billy" (incidently that's his pet name for his left nut) started out at the chicken processing plant in Nachitoches, Louisiana - he started out low, as a gizard sorter, but he worked his way up to a bleeder - and there in that front room, while slashing the throats of chickens as they came out the hopper - is where Dave Thomas first caught site of him.
You guys know Dave Thomas as the sweet old man from Wendys - but back in those days he was Col. Sanders aggresive underling looking to make his mark on the world, even if that mark was with blood. And he saw Billy Elvis as his man, his personal bleeder. He recruited Billy to knock off Col. Sanders so he could take over the KFC empire. Billy Elvis tried to present the plan to Nixon, he wrote a detailed report and mailed it to Nixon, but Nixon would never receive it. Watergate had erupted and Bob Woodward had intercepted the report (Bob Woodward will confirm this whole story after my death). Billy Elvis felt betrayed by Watergate, by Nixon not replying, like many Americans he lost faith in his government. The money ($1,213.00) and lifetime free fried chicken offered by Dave Thomas started looking awfully sweet. And so, Billy Elvis turned to the dark(meat) side.
Billy Elvis caught up with the Colonel late one night in the winter of 1980 in the Colonel's Kentucky test kitchen. Billy Elvis cornered the Colonel while slowly humming "Kentucky Rain". The Colonel tried to evade Billy Elvis with a quick whack of his cane into Billy Elvis' crotch - but with no right nut the cane fell on hollow ground. The same missing nut that allowed Elvis to swing his hips like so, had saved him once again. Billy Elvis raised his chicken cutting knife over the old Colonel - but the Colonel would not give up, he whacked the pressure guage on one of his chicken pressure cookers sending a spray of hot grease across Billy Elvis's face. (Leaving him with the hideous monikor he bears today). The Colonel slipped away to live another two weeks before dying of old age. PepsiCo bought KFC and Dave Thomas moved on to his Wendy's Burger Franchise.
With Billy Elvis disfigured, Dave needed to find him a job out of sight - and that's how Billy Elvis was introduced to Zombie Guide and the whole Elfkin Slave Labor industry that Dave Thomas and his nephew John "Zombie Guide" support. Certainly you had to be suspicious of Dave Thomas' passion for adoption. In fact Wendy's and their annual adoption campaigns are just a front for the elfkin child slave labor movement. You know why their logo "Wendy" is just a cartoon drawing? Because the real Wendy has been working in a chicken coup since the day she was adopted! On several of the former KFC chicken farms, Dave Thomas maintains Elfkins in chicken coups just like the one I described to you guys in my first post. And it was on Zombie Guide's Elfkin slave labor chicken coup camp that Elvis was appointed the position of head security.
Billy Elvis may have gone to the dark side, but killing the leader of the fried chicken world and enslaving thousands of "LASER BLAST" looking children were two different animals and Billy Elvis couldn't stomach enslaving Elfkins.
It was about this time that Bob Woodward tracked him down. Bob revealed that Nixon never received his report and that he shoudln't hate his government. Bob also made a pitch for a book revealing Billy's true identiy - upon Billy's death of course, which Bob suggested it would be best for the book if Billys final moment was drug and overeating related.
Anyway, so Billy Elvis wrote a new report about the adopted kids and Wendys, and Col. Sanders et al. and submitted it to President Ford. President Ford directed Billy Elvis to be relieved of his position and the case be turned over to the DEA (Disabled Elfkin Adolescents Agency). This would of course leave Elvis without a job, and he couldn't go back to singing, and he couldn't get a book deal until he died, so he was left with no choice but to stay on board as one of ZG's henchmen.
Don't believe me? Just look at that disfigured face! That kind of face is not normal! Just ask Bob Woodward!
-CJack
Especially while he's out of town for a week and can't defend himself. 
