We join the Joes, conducting training maneuvers in an unnamed country's desert...


Yo Joe!

Does anybody know why we're testing underwater gear in a desert?

The element of surprise! Think how surprised Cobra will be when we attack with water gear in the desert.

Are we expecting to make Cobra laugh themselves into submission?

My diving suit seems even less useful in the desert.

I don't think this equipment was meant for this kind of heat.

Nonsense! Soldier on, boys.

I think Deep Six just collapsed of heat exhaustion.

Medic!

Yo Joe!




We rejoin Cobra Command in one of the Commander's secret bases...

Cobra Commander, I must tell you of my latest plan!

You think this will work out better than the solar powered night vision gear?

Most definitely! Commander, to defeat the Joes, I have hired a lawyer!

Hello.

You HIRED a lawyer? We already have plenty of lawyers laying around. I think 20% of our Crimson Guardsmen are lawyers.

23.5% of active duty Crimson Guardsmen, actually.

I'm a lawyer.

Some are accountants, like me.

And how much does our lawyer cost?

Hear me out...



We rejoin the Joes in the foreign country's Desert...

Yo Joe!

I'm not so sure all this cross-training is a useful activity. We have specialists for a reason.

Then how did you end up on the Tiger Force riding a repainted SnowCat in the desert?

More importantly, how did you keep Frostbite from dying of heat exhaustion?

I could tell you, but then I'd have to either kill you or make you join the Tiger Force... and you don't want that.

So perhaps the question is when our mail gets delivered to us out here.

Yo Joe! Yo Joe!

Ah, I almost forgot how much Duke loves his mail.

And how much he loves chasing the mailman.

Sir, the mail just arrived. I don't think you're going to like this...

(opens the mail)

Yuck! So many words! Flint, make sense of this for me!

Hrm. I think Duke's being sued.

Can you explain it to me in smaller words?

I don't think I can use any smaller words than the ones I already used.

Then how about a series of grunts and gestures?

DialTone, get Airborne on the horn; it looks like it's time to lawyer up.

Yo Joe!

Lawyers? What does this all mean?

I don't know much about the law, but I know enough to be afraid of lawyers.

Yo Joe?



We rejoin Cobra's headquarters...

This had better be good.

It is. Is it not true that the military functions on the dedication of their quality sergeants?

We really don't have ranks like that in Cobra, but keep going.

So what better way to disrupt an elite team like GI Joe than by removing their top sergeant from the field?

We're suing Conrad Hauser, code name: Duke!

Doesn't our intelligence report that Duke has the mental capacity of a 6 year old?

And after we remove Duke from the field, victory will be Cobra's! And a hefty lawyer's fee will be mine!

Raptor, make sure we pay this guy in the currency of whatever country it was that Darklon was running when we blew it up.

Very good sir.



We jump to the Courtroom where the trial is about to commence...

Hear ye! My court is now in session, of the desert country of JCvania. I am Judge beav, and will be mediating this trial. On trial today is Conrad Hauser, code name: Duke.

Yo Joe?

Representing the defense, Counselor Talltree, code name: Airborne.

Good morning.

Representing the prosecution, Mr Blue Haired Lawyer.

My hair used to be blue, before it fell out.

And the members of the jury.



And now to the opening statements.

Gentlemen of the jury, I am going to prove to you that this man, Duke, should not be the top sergeant of an elite unit like GI Joe. When we're done here, I believe that you will feel the same way.

I object! Doesn't Duke have a right to know the charges leveled against him?

Not in JCvania. And that was a pretty poor opening statement, Counselor Airborne. On to the arguments.

Duke, you were in charge of the black ops unit that Kamakura was in, were you not?

Yo Joe!

And almost all of them died under your watch except Kamakura, correct?

Yo Joe.

That's my first charge. I submit for cross examination.

My question is for the Honorable Judge beav. Do we now, or did we ever, even have Joemoticons for any of the deceased?

No.

That's all I have to say about that.

Yo Joe!

Counselor Blue Haired Lawyer? Your next point?

Thank you, your honor. Duke, isn't it true that you led a team into a cold barren wasteland and they were all killed by- and I'll try not to laugh- werewolves?

Yo Joe.

And didn't a number of them die of biting wounds?

Yo Joe.

I object! We don't have autopsy results on those soldiers.

Sustained.

That's my second point; that this is a second instance where Duke got his team killed. Respected opposing counsel?

I submit that DD did a lot of things we'd all rather forget.

Yo Joe!

Since we don't have any werewolves around, I'll call a Monstro Viper.

Good morning.

Good morning to you. Would you please state, for the record, what your status is?

I am a genetically mutated freak. I was once a man.

Please let the record show that our Monstro Viper here is the closest thing we can get to a werewolf.

So noted.

Now, Monstro Viper, what would happen if you were to bite a person?

They'd get rabies.

Ah. They would get rabies, but they would not turn into a werewolf. I'd like to call Mr Edwin Steen, code name: Lifeline.

Good morning.

Lifeline, would you please state for the record your status?

I am a paramedic with GI Joe.

Ah. Is there a rabies vaccine?

There is.

And were you once bitten by one of the werewolves at the site of Duke's failed mission?

Something like that, yes. But I didn't get rabies or turn into a werewolf.

Thank you. Respected opposing counsel?

I have no questions for the Monstro Viper. Now, Lifeline, allow me to confirm: you are not the GI Joe team's physician, are you?

I am not.

Ah, I see. Who is he, and can I call him to the stand?

Doc is dead.

Ah, yes, that's right. We'll come back to that. So you have somewhat limited medical capabilities as a paramedic as compared to a physician. I'm done with you, Lifeline, thank you.

You may step down.

I'd love to call Doc. Or Heavy Metal. Or Thunder. Or Crankcase. Or Quick Kick. Or Crazylegs. But I can't. Because they were all killed in Trucial Abysmia. So let me call Duke...

Yo Joe.

Duke, isn't it true that you served as sergeant on that unfortunate mission where you got more of your men killed?

Yo Joe.

Well there you go.

Objection!

I don't care. Let's take a recess.



To be concluded...



bearcatcc is obviously not a lawyer

Very nice. I enjoyed that. It's nice to see another Joemoticon Theater going. There hasn't been one in a while, this was a good way to break the absence.

Good job, look forward to more of Honorable Judge Beav's court cases!

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WOOT

I am on JC Jury Duty!

Sweet

Nice work

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