ok here's my first ever dio storie i hope ya'll injoy it
http://goodtogocustoms.com/forum/index.php?topic=4304.0

I couldn't make it through the whole thing.

The photography and posing are both excellent but the dialog lacks life and energy, and considering the lack of capitalisation, apostrophe-ation and various other grammatical errors, feels more like an AIM conversation between people than an actual real world conversation.

I would strongly suggest you write your dialog while imagining real people speaking it, then run what you've written through a spell-checker in Word or any other program that has one.

I should also add that in what I've read there were numerous oddities in your choice of words, the biggest one being Bludd's "If you do not fail this mission, I'll personally put in a good word...". Wouldn't it make for sense to say "If you succeed this mission"?

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well thanks jay but like i said it's my first dio....i'll try to do what you said about the diolog and everything

Well, there's some real potential there.

Your eye for positioning of figures when taking pix is excellent, and that's a big part of doing this well.

Like Jay said, just work on the dialogue. And that includes the way it looks on the page. Try a bigger font with fewer words per balloon. That'll make it easier to read...and easier for you to catch any punctuation or grammatical errors before you "go live."

Very nice first effort.

KiniKujo,

I can definately appreciate the work and enthusiasm you've put into your first diostory. The shots were very well taken; they're clean, crisp, and colorful. The backgrounds you've chosen work well and allow the reader to easily imagine they are real locations and not just figures posed in your backyard. (Although I think your brick wall "cave" looked more like ancient ruins; sometimes when you use your backyard you have to write your story around the scenery that's available to you.)

As with the others, I had trouble enjoying the story because of the dialogue. I think the biggest mistake (and it's one I have been guilty of as well) is being too wordy and placing too much text in a single frame. I know it's hard because you have so much you need to set up and explain in your story, but you have to treat diostories kind of like comic books; kids like comics because they aren't heavy reading. If you feel a lengthy dialogue is absolutely necessary, try splitting it up into multiple frames and change the angle of each shot to give you some diversity. That way, the reader feels like they're moving through your story and doesn't get frustrated that they're "stuck" in one particular frame.

Don't be discouraged, I think you're off to a good start and you definately have a good eye for photography. Keep us up to date as you add to your story!

You take some really great pictures. I have seen so many dio stories where the pictures are crowded with figures/plastic, but you avoid that. But agree with the others, the text need some work.

All in all this is extremely promising, so keep it up!

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I think you have all the text help you need in this thread, so I will just leave feedback on the photos.

I am getting prepared to do my first dio as well, and I will surely learn a lesson from you in how to set the figures up. You did a great job on the set up.

Honestly I think writing the text in a application like WORD is a great idea, and will fix 90 percent of the issues you're having with text. So keep your sweet photos up and follow the fellas advise in this thread and you will be good to go!

I am an editor by profession. If you need help in editing your dialogue before adding it to the word balloons, I can take a look at it and give you my proposed changes. If you're interested, please let me know.

Blitzkrieg

nah thats alright blitz i'm gonna try the dialogue on my own and if i need help i'll be sure to PM you but thanks for the advice guys glad you like my poses

ok new chapter WITH dialogue this time (just scroll down till you see the next row of pics )
http://goodtogocustoms.com/forum/index. ... 3#msg51763

I got part way into the first chapter, but there was wayyyy too much dialogue. It started reading like a Peanuts story. I'll have a go with the second chapter a bit later.
The pics did look great.

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