We rejoin the courtroom of JCvania, where the honorable Judge beav is presiding over Duke's trial. Cobra has recruited Blue Haired Lawyer (
who has since lost his hair), and Airborne is on the defense. Currently there is a recess...
Yo Joe!
Airborne!
Airborne, we need to talk...
What can I do for you?
I'm worried about Duke's emotional state.
Why? He's kinda limited because you can only convey so many emotions with punctuating the same sentence.
Be that as it may, I'm worried you're not doing a good job for Duke.
Of course I'm not a very good lawyer. Why do you think I jump out of airplanes for a living?
Enough lollygagging! Court is back in session! Who's next?
I'll call Duke back up to the stand.
Yo Joe!
Isn't it true that you coerced a civilian into working for GI Joe? Essentially and illegally drafted him into the military without his consent? And wasn't his code name: Scanner?
Yo Joe.
I see. And now we have another instance where Duke's failed leadership ends up getting his men killed.
Your honor, I submit that the late Scanner was an unpleasant Internet troll. And how many of us have not harbored ill will toward an Internet troll at one time or another?
I shall take that into consideration. Next?
I see all the proceedings are taking their toll on Duke's stamina. Why don't we give him a rest for a while. Right now I'd like to call Thomas Arishikage, code name: Storm Shadow.
Purple!
I object!
On what grounds?
It's clear that Storm Shadow has recently been brainwave scanner-ized into thinking he's a TeleTubby.
Sustained. Storm Shadow, you may step down. Counsel for the defense, you'll have to do better than that.
Very well. Allow me to call -Classified-: code name: Snake Eyes.
...
Good morning. Now Snake Eyes, isn't it true that you served in the military with several men who would later join GI Joe?
...
Could you please speak up?
Snake Eyes, answer the question. You may answer in the affirmative, negative, or stand mute, but I remind you about laws concerning perjury.
...
We don't have an emote for flipping the middle finger.
...
That's it, you're in contempt. You're banned!
...
Next witness?
I'd like to call Lonzo Wilkinson, code name: Stalker.
Good morning.
Good morning Stalker. Isn't it true that you managed to have missions go less than according to plan and still bring home most, if not all of your men?
I like to think so.
I can think of a few examples: Why, in Borovia, didn't you keep Snow Job and Quick Kick alive while you endured torture and imprisonment?
Something like that.
And as a sergeant, this is the kind of leadership expected of a man in such a high position as Duke, is expected to provide. Thank you Stalker, I'm done with you.
I would like to call Snake Eyes back to the stand.
Nope. He's banned.
Then let me call Richard Renwick, code name: Dodger, to the stand.
Good morning.
Now, Dodger, you initially joined GI Joe as part of Battle Force 2000.
That's correct.
But you were the only survivor after a missile wiped out the rest of Battle Force 2000 by striking a nearby oil repository, correct?
It haunts me in my sleep.
That's right. And Duke had nothing to do with this tragedy. Nor is he to soley shoulder the blame for all of the problems with GI Joe as an organization.
I've had enough of this farce. Closing arguments, counselors.
Duke has served the Joes loyally and selflessly. He is guilty only of bad luck.
Duke is a menace. On no less than three occasions he has gotten his team killed. He illegally conscripted a civilian and then got him killed too. He is a deathtrap and should not be in a leadership position of any sort, let alone top sergeant for an elite team like GI Joe.
I'll call a recess as I consider the testimony presented here today.
Yo Joe?
This isn't looking good for Duke.
No, it's not.
An hour or so later...
I call the court of JCvania back in session. Will the accused rise?
Yo Joe?
There is nothing you can say in your on defense at this time. I find the evidence of your guilt beyond the necessary preponderance.
If it please the court, I ask for leniency.
Very well. Duke shall not be banned.
Yo Joe!
Conrad Hauser, code name: Duke, please rise. Duke, I find you guilty of the charges levied against you. You shall be removed of rank, and suffer your crotch to be broken, and no less than one thumb removed.
Duke doesn't even look afraid.
That's because we don't have a Joemoticon for fear.
We are adjourned.
The Joes have lost their first sergeant.
Later, back in Joe headquarters, General Hawk, Flint, Psyche Out, and Stalker are in a planning room...
Stalker, I believe it falls to you to assume the position of top sergeant for the Joe team, with Duke's absence.
It will be my honor to serve.
We have faith in you.
Thank you, Flint.
Very good. Flint, if you will acquaint Stalker. Excuse me.
Sir.
Sir.
(General Hawk leaves)
So after 20-plus years, I resume my job as GI Joe's top sergeant.
Good to have you back. Now General Hawk is our only incompetent planner.
Your idea worked. Leaking that intel to Cobra was a stroke of genius.
Credit where credit is due. Psyche Out had a lot to do with this whole operation.
It was a team effort.
So what happened to Duke?
He was set up with a nice civilian job.
He'll be fine.
Yo Joe!
Back at Cobra Headquarters...
Cobra Commander! We have won our case! Duke is no longer GI Joe's top sergeant!
Give me a few more minutes to think of something to say that isn't sarcastic.
How about how we paid the lawyer with fake money?
Please have Slice find a way to kill him that looks like either natural causes or an accident.
With Duke out of the way, one more obstacle is removed from Cobra's quest to rule the world!
No, you idiot, it doesn't. Duke's incompetence hindered the Joes' operations. Now they'll have somebody filling his job who knows what they're doing. This effort has hindered Cobra's longterm goals.
Umm... Whoops?
Look, just get out before I decide to kill you.
At least it was a relatively inexpensive use of Mindbender's time.
Just get out before I kill you too.
The End.
bearcatcc
